Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings."

A successful marriage is based on two things:
Neither of which I know.

War is when the government tells you who the bad guy is.
Revolution is when you decide for yourself.

No matter. The dead bird does not leave the nest.
---Winston Churchill (on being told that his fly was undone)

Statistics show that married men live longer than single men, but they are more willing to die.
---David S. Goldberg

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs!
---Sam Goldwyn

Q: What are three two letter words that denote smallness?
A: Is it in?

Love is photogenic;
it needs darkness to develop...

A good discussion is like a miniskirt;
Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject.

Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are staying married just to be different..

A girl is like a road;
The more curves she has the more dangerous she is!

Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.

One thing about the speed of light... it gets here too early in the morning.

"Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive." -- George Carlin

Sometimes fame is just a matter of dying at the right time.

What did the number 0 say to the number 8?
"Hey, nice belt!"